Thanksgiving advice from the Bangor Police Department

Tom Cotton, Police Department, Bangor, ME -  Preparing for the upcoming holiday week will be accompanied by up to 33,197 mentions of this being the busiest travel week since westward expansion began in 1803.

You will read it in print, see it on the television and, of course, hear it on the radio. Forgive the media, these stories are pre-written and have not been changed since the first televised newscast in 1804. No one saw it because no one had electricity- don't be questioning facts seen here on the Interwebz.

Please also prepare for stories about turkeys. Turkeys in love, turkeys who have been granted immunity from the oven, turkeys who have escaped from trucks, turkeys who refuse to be caught, several mentions of the WKRP in Cincinnati episode where turkeys were tossed from a helicopter, and the big finish will include 234 tips on what to do with turkey leftovers.

I opt for burritos- you do what you think is best for your family.

Homecoming stories- we all love these- will be prominently told and reported on. Tears, hugs, surprise visits. This might be the best part of the holiday news cycle.

Driving tips; I can give you that quickly and you can just skip those stories- leave early, clear the frost and snow off your glass, check your gas gauge to make sure you have enough fuel to get to your destination (duh!), carry a blanket, wear your seatbelt, obey all traffic laws, check the air in your tires, carry snacks, pee before you go.

I will also relish sitting at the kid's table during Thanksgiving dinner- they seem to understand the important stuff and they never mention politics.

My significant other, a human, returns from her home in the deep south later this week. She is expecting to see the same dishes in the sink which were there when she left about 5 weeks ago. I am going to surprise her by getting to that chore as well. I am a master housekeeper.

Please don't tell her that this is the busiest travel week since westward expansion started in 1803; I plan on springing that tidbit on her in order to take her attention off the black dog hair on the bedroom comforter.

Keep your hands to yourself, leave other people's things alone, and be kind to one another.

We will be here.