From one of our favorite Facebook pages
Lt. Tim Cotton, Bangor Police Department - Snow cometh. Put away your Bernie memes and lube up the shovels. We are looking at six-inches to fourteen-inches. Some forecasters raise that final figure up to around sixteen-inches in order to get you to watch them rather than the more attactive forecasters on other channels.
If you have been holding back your payment to your "Plow Guy" (yeah, that's how you refer to him), our suggestion is find him sometime today and top off his wallet with cash. If you still owe him for a couple of tiny storms that we've already had, find him today. Whatever you do, don't act like you forgot about him. It is best to tell him that you have been thinking about him. A lot. It makes him feel better about himself. Tell him you love the fact that he doesn't even own a coat when you pass him your payment. Trust me, you'll have the cleanest driveway around. Don't mention his socks don't match when he plows in his slippers and gym shorts. Be cautious. He has feelings.
Oh yeah, I should make it clear to ONLY give him cash—he doesn't use Venmo and he certainly doesn't need another Dunkin card. He needs fuel, and enough cash to replace the tranny when that thing goes south after blowing up in the driveway that he normally plows just before he gets to your dooryard.
As for your grocery store run for storm snacks; don't act like you are from Connecticut. I won't expand on on that because folks from Connecticut hate it when you act like people from Massachusetts. People from Connecticut and Massachusetts believe Mainers act like people from southern New Brunswick, and nobody wants you to act like you're from New York. Just leave some bread for the next person.
If the folks who are acting like they are from Massachusetts, Connecticut, and New York have scooped up all the Wonder bread, I have found that English muffins make a pretty good substitute for storm supplies. Even if you leave the packaging open on the counter, and the Thomas muffins feel like the used hockey puck you found in your high school gym bag just before you threw it out last year, the aeration can make them into sailor-worthy hardtack. With a small Craftsman screwdriver—the minus, not the plus—you can pry apart the fork-split beauties up to one month after you de-bag the muffins. If you toast it, and your dental crowns are still glued in, it's not all that difficult to chew.
You should all have peanut butter, I embarrassed to even have to mention that you should have already purchased a forty-pound jar of Skippy on your last trip to Sam's Club for liquor and frozen chicken nuggets. Here's the deal, don't be a horrific human; pause your Hulu to go and check on your neighbors tomorrow. You know the folks who have a hard time getting around. If you don't, pause your Hulu now and introduce yourself. Make sure seniors and shut-ins are warm and shoveled-out. It's not that hard to be a marginally decent human.
If your kids are home, and most of them are, send them out with a shovel. They will have time later to become a doctor, lawyer, engineer, or scientist. Blisters from shoveling are proven to make kids study harder.
If you need emergency services, our numbers are the same all over New England. You call, we come. That's the deal. This is no big deal, unless it becomes one. You never know. Be prepared.
Keep your hands to yourself, leave other people's things alone, and be kind to one another. Oh yeah, make sure you pay your plow guy.
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